You've Got Voicemail
by Serexion
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a “club” of sorts. This club called themselves the Organization XIII. And they wanted cell phones. Told in voicemail messages.
1. Introduction

**Title****: You've Got Voicemail**

**Rating****: K+**

**Summary****: Once upon a time, there was a "club" of sorts. This club called themselves the Organization XIII. And they wanted cell phones.**

**I've separated all of the members into separate chapters so they're easier to find. You should read them in order, but you don't have to. Enjoy!**

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**INTRODUCTION**

Once upon a time, there was a "club" of sorts. This club called themselves the Organization XIII. As suspected, there were thirteen members.

Xemnas, the Superior.

Xigbar, the Freeshooter.

Xaldin, the Whirlwind Lancer.

Vexen, the Chilly Academic.

Lexaeus, the Silent Hero.

Zexion, the Cloaked Schemer.

Saῑx, the Luna Diviner.

Axel, the Flurry of Dancing Flames.

Demyx, the Melodious Nocturne.

Luxord, the Gambler of Fate.

Marluxia, the Graceful Assassin.

Larxene, the Savage Nymph.

And Roxas, the Key of Destiny.

Each member wore a black cloak and had a special weapon and power. They wished for more, however.

They wanted cell phones.

The boss of the Organization, Xemnas, obliged and gave them shiny, Cingular cell phones.

These are their stories...


	2. Act One, Number One: Xemnas

**ACT ONE**

**ONE**

_It's the Superior. Leave a message or I'll send the Sorcerers after you._

**You have three new messages.**

"Xemnas, it's Demyx. Just wanted to say that I went to the middle of the ocean, but I didn't find that quarter that you wanted. I'll come back soon- it should take me about a week from here. Later." **Beep.**

"Superior, it's Larxene. I think we should have a charity ball! Call me back." **Beep.**

"Hey, it's me again. I just got a job at the chocolate factory in China, So I won't be back until I've collected a couple hundred dollars. That could be awhile, too. They only pay me a quarter an hour. And I still didn't find that quarter, by the way." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Xemnas looked up at the ceiling, ready to fall on his knees and worship it. At this rate, Demyx would _never_ come back!

Now what was that about a charity ball?


	3. Act One, Number Two: Xigbar

**TWO**

_Xigbar. Leave a message._

**You have three new messages.**

"Number two, it's the Superior. Demyx isn't coming back for awhile. That chocolate-factory-in-China plan was genius. I'm giving you a five dollar raise, just so I can scrape more off of the gambler nobodies, since they pay all the taxes." **Beep.**

"Hey, Xigbar? It's Demyx. Listen, could I get a little help-"**Beep.** **Message deleted.**

"It's Luxord. Meet me at the casino, I've run into a spot of trouble, I just won all of their cash. Bye." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Xigbar glared at the ceiling. Why did everyone call _him_ about their problems? Oh, well, at least he got a raise... a _very big_ raise.


	4. Act One, Number Three: Xaldin

**THREE**

_Number three._

**You have six old messages.**

"You tell anyone, and I'll slit your throat." **Beep.**

"This is Marluxia. If you tell anyone what you saw, there will be consequences. Bye." **Beep.**

"Oh, my god. This is Roxas. Did you _seriously_ find Larxene and Marluxia making out? That is so... wow! I've gotta tell Axel!"** Beep.**

"So, Marluxia and Larxene were making out, huh? Wait until I tell the Superior!" **Beep.**

"Number three, this is the Superior. I would like to congratulate you for finally catching them in the act. However, I regret to inform you Axel has told everyone that you can't keep a secret and no one wants to talk to you." ** Beep.**

**You have one new message.**

"Number three, this is the Superior. I'm calling because... well, because no one else will. Bye." **Beep**.

**End of messages.**

Xaldin looked at the wall, saddened. He was so unpopular these days...


	5. Act One, Number Four: Vexen

**FOUR**

_It's Vexen, also known as Number Four. I'm obviously not here right now, so leave a message an I'll get back to you._

**You have one old message.**

"Vexen, it's number six. Listen, I just heard from Roxas that Larxene and Marluxia were making out in that old broom cupboard. I guess Xaldin caught them at it. Alright, later." **Beep.**

**You have five new messages.**

"It's Lexaeus. Larxene is insisting on a 'Charity Ball' for the good of the world. I think she's sick. Could you look into it?" **Beep.**

"Hey, Vexy, it's Larxene. I was thinking, why don't we host a _Charity Ball_ for the good of the world? We could keep ninety-nine percent of the profits and donate the rest to Hades or someone. Call me back on it, 'kay?"**Beep.**

"Vexen, it's Axel. I need a sleeping drought for Larxene, STAT. Call me when you're done." **Beep.**

"It's Axel. Make that two. Sleeping droughts, that is. Extra- strength." **Beep.**

"Number four, this is the Superior speaking. There is a meeting at five in the conference room between you, I, and Larxene, regarding the 'Charity Ball' idea she is talking about. I'll expect you'll be prompt." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Vexen groaned. A _Charity Ball? What_ was this world coming to?


	6. Act One, Number Five: Lexaeus

**FIVE**

_You've reached Lexaeus. Leave a message after the tone._

**You have two new messages.**

"Yes, Lexaeus, I heard about Larxene's 'Charity Ball'. Vexen called and said apparently the Superior has set up a meeting between himself, Vexen, and Larxene to discuss the matter. I cannot believe that he would even _consider_ it. We will have to discuss this with the Superior before the meeting." ** Beep.**

"Lexaeus, it's Axel. Do us a favor and knock Larxene out, will you? Later." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Lexaeus set his phone down beside him and sighed. Not only did _no one _call him, but he had to go and knock someone out. This was going to be a long day...


	7. Act One, Number Six: Zexion

**SIX**

_Zexion. Leave a message, I know who you are anyway. _

**You have six new messages.**

"Zexy, it's Axel. Call me back and tell me where Larxene is." **Beep.**

"Is your toilet running?"** Beep.**

"Hey, it's Larxene. Call me back and tell me what you think about a Charity Ball." **Beep.**

"Number six, I _will_ consider the Charity Ball. All of us profit. If you would like to discuss the matter further, come to my office."** Beep.**

"Saïx calling. I'm working on getting the superior out of it. If you would like, I can attempt to get Larxene killed off before the meeting." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Zexion lowered the phone. Short, sweet, and to-the-point messages. He liked that.

Now who wanted to know if his toilet was running?


	8. Act One, Number Seven: Saix

**SEVEN**

_Your call has been forwarded to an automated voice messaging system. __** Saῑx, number seven**__, is not available at this time. To page this person, press five now. At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording you may hang up, or press one for more options. _

**You have twelve new messages.**

"Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" **Beep.**

"Then you'd better let him out!" **Beep.**

"Saῑx, it's Demyx. I'm in prison for stealing a chocolate bar-?"**Beep. Message deleted.**

"Is your refrigerator running?" ** Beep.**

"Then you'd better go catch it!" **Beep.**

"Hey, my least favorite person on earth, it's your least favorite person on earth. Larxene's trying to host a charity ball. Girly Pink Scythe man wants you to put a stop to it." **Beep.**

"Hey, Saῑx, it's Larxene. The superior isn't going for my 'Charity Ball' idea. Can you come back it?" **Beep.**

"Why did the chicken cross the road?" **Beep.**

"Because Saῑx scared the shit out of him!" **Beep.**

"Saῑx, it is the Superior. After reviewing your proposition, I have come to decide the Charity Ball will commence. Please come to my office." **Beep.**

"Saῑx, it's Marluxia. You must stop that ball at all costs. Larxene has put a -_bzzt_- in the pinata. Call me back." **Beep.**

"I like cheese." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Saῑx growled. These prank calls had to stop. He was going to _murder_ Axel and Roxas.

As soon as he found them.


	9. Act One, Number Eight: Axel

**EIGHT**

_FIRE IN THE HOLE!_

**You have seven new messages.**

"Hey, it's Roxas. Gimme a call." **Beep.**

"Oh, my god. Xaldin just caught Larxene and Marluxia making out in the closet outside her bedroom. Got any other info?" **Beep.**

"Axel, it's Demyx. I need some help. Can you come to the prison and melt-." **Beep. Message deleted.**

"Axel, Saῑx is coming upstairs after you. Something about prank phone calls." **Beep.**

"Number eight, this is the superior. Our cell phones are not to be used for prank calls, they are to be used for-" ** Beep.****Message deleted.**

"Did you just delete the Superior's last message? Because him _and_ Saῑx are coming up after you." ** Beep.**

"Axel, you are going to get it!" **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

"Man, I feel popular..." Axel turned to face the door, which came crashing down from the frame. "I have more messages than Lexaeus for once!"


	10. Act One, Number Nine: Demyx

**NINE**

_Hey, it's Demyx. Leave a message after the beep. Rock on. _

**You have two old messages.**

"..." **Beep.**

"Hey, Demyx, it's Roxas. What were you thinking, stealing chocolate from a Chinese factory? That's, like, the death sentence! Well, look at it this way. You won't bleed all over the place!" **Beep.**

**You have no new messages.**

**End of messages.**

Demyx gulped. _Death sentence?_

He dialed Larxene's number. He was desperate for help.

"Larxene, I know you hate me, but can you find it in the Sadist depths of your heart to HELP ME!"


	11. Act One, Number Ten: Luxord

**TEN**

_You have reached Luxord. I'm probably at the casino. To arrange a game of Poker, press one. To play blackjack, press two. If your name is Demyx, press three. If it's really urgent, press four. _

**Mailbox one. You have one new message.**

"I can't believe I lost to you AGAIN! One of these days, Luxord, one of these days..."**Beep.**

**Mailbox two. Two new messages.**

"Number ten, this is the Superior. I will beat you this time. My office, ten minutes." **Beep.**

"Hey, Luxy, it's Larxene. I probably hit the wrong mailbox number, but screw it. I'm going to get Demyx on orders from the Superior so I can host my Charity Ball, so can you go to Port Royal and get some good liquor? Pirates have damn good liquor." **Beep.**

**Mailbox three. All messages from Demyx deleted.**

**Mailbox four. Three new messages.**

"Luxord, it's Xigbar. Can you do me a favor and go to Port Royal and get some of that really good wine you always seem to come back with? Larxene just went to get Demyx, and I feel the sudden need to get drunk." **Beep.**

"Hey, Mr. Gambling Man. It's Roxas. Listen, can you go to Port Royal and get some of that wine? Demyx is coming back, and I need to get drunk. Screw being underage." **Beep.**

"Number 10, this is Saῑx. Go to Port Royal and get some hard liquor, and fast. Demyx is due back in an hour. We all needto get drunk and pass out before he arrives." ** Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Luxord sighed. It was a good things nobodies had no liver, because theirs would be shot by the time Demyx got there.

And why did he have to go to Port Royal? He _despised_ pirates.

But they had good booze, that was for sure.


	12. Act One, Number Eleven: Marluxia

**ELEVEN**

_You've reached Marluxia. If you would like me to get back to you, leave a message after the beep. _

**You have six new messages.**

"Hey, Marly, it's Larxene. Sorry I didn't meet you for lunch... I got caught up rescuing Demyx from prison. Superior's orders. Anyway, the charity ball's on. Meet me in the usual spot so we can discuss it further."** Beep.**

"Hey, _Marly_, I heard that you and Larxene were caught making out in the closet next to your room. Just remember, abstinence is the only way to prevent pregnancy and STD's!" **Beep.**

"Oh, and: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you suck. Love from, Axel." **Beep.**

"Marluxia, this is the Superior. Come to my office immediately." **Beep.**

"Oh, someone's gonna get it!" **Beep.**

"You're _so_ toast. And just think, I didn't have to do it for once! I'm thrilled!"**Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Marluxia glared at the phone in his hand. Why is it he couldn't make out with an attractive young girl in a closet without getting nailed every time?


	13. Act One, Number Twelve: Larxene

**TWELVE**

_This is Larxene. Leave a message, or else. _

**You have seven new messages.**

"Hey, it's your lover. So, let's say, we meet up in Axel's room around seven for a little rendezvous? Later."** Beep.**

"Larxene, it's Marluxia. The Superior wants a word. Call me back." **Beep.**

"Are you INSANE or something? I mean, 'comon, Larxene, a charity ball to profit yourself? I think you've hit an all-time low." **Beep.**

"This is the Superior. Come to my office." **Beep.**

"Larxene, I know you hate me, but can you find it in the Sadist depths of your hearts to HELP ME!" **Beep.**

"Hey, it's Marluxia. What happened to our ron de vu? Did you forget about what we had _already_, sweetheart?" **Beep.**

"Yeesh, someone's popular. Do you know how long it took me to get through? Listen, I know you're off rescuing Demyx, but pick up some McDonald's on the way back, would you?" **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Larxene flipped the phone closed and tucked it into her pocket. McDonald's? Hey, just one more pit stop on the way to Demyx.

And if Axel didn't stop calling and acting as Marluxia, she was going to electrocute his sorry ass and burn him in a fire pit. Although he'd probably enjoy that. So just the electrocution part.


	14. Act One, Number Thirteen: Roxas

**THIRTEEN**

_Hello? ... Hello? ... HELLO? ... Anyway, it's Roxas. I'm not here right now, but leave me a message and I'll get back to ya. Bye- bye! _

**You have ten new messages.**

"Roxas, it's the Superior, calling to remind you that the Organization's cell phones are NOT to be used for prank calls, only for-" **Beep****Message deleted. **

"Rox, it's Axel. Gimme a call." ** Beep.**

"Hey, it's Larxene, calling to remind you that the first annual Organization Charity Ball will take place in two days at eight pm. Dress your best and bring all your cash! Later." **Beep.**

"Hey, Roxas, it's Demyx. I just got back from China, and for some strange reason, everybody's drunk! Can you give me a call and-" **Beep. Message deleted.**

"Roxas, I- _hic_- told you to share with me and now- _hic_- I've been forced to share with Saῑx and- _hic_- I think- _hic_- he's gonna kill me..." **Beep.**

"Roxas, this is Saïx. Will you please do me a favor, get down here and get your little red- head friend AWAY from me? It's hard to get pleasantly drunk with him around." **Beep.**

"Roxas, it's Xaldin. Are you mad at me too? Because you never get mad at ANYONE, and no one's talking to me. Call me." ** Beep.**

"It's Marluxia. Just wanted to tell you that what Xaldin said wasn't true- Larxene and I WERE NOT making out in a closet." **Beep.**

"Hey- _hic_- it's- _hic_- Axel. You do know tha- _hic_- it's a load of BS about Marluxia and Larxene not making out in the closet, right?" **Beep.**

"I brought your McDonald's." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Roxas sat his phone down, enjoying the pleasant buzzing sensation in his head. This was better than getting sugar- high. And he didn't have to deal with Demyx.

... But tomorrow was another day. Another headache- filled, annoying, ball- planning day.

He could wait.


	15. Intermission

**Planning**

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU CAN'T GET STREAMERS? YOU'RE A PARTY OUTLET, YOU SHOULD HAVE THE DAMN THINGS IN STOCK!" Larxene screamed into the phone, irritated. "UHH!" She flipped the silver phone closed rather harder than she needed to, cracking the screen. "Great. I broke ANOTHER phone." Larxene said angrily, then shoved a throwing knife through the center.

"Bad day?"

"Shut up." She replied, not even turning around to see who it was.

"Aw, the little sadistic- or is it savage? I can never remember- well, no matter, our little Nymph's plan's aren't going well, are they?"

"Don't make me make you nothing instead of nobody."

"EVERYONE is quoting me. What is with that? Did I create a new trend, or something? What's next? Everybody has flaming chakrams, too?"

"I hate fire." Larxene turned, pouting, to face the redhead.

"Aww, I'm sorry." Axel mocked. "Would you like me to get you a tissue?"

"Bite me- OW!" Larxene shouted in pain. "NOT LITERALLY, YOU SADISTIC-"

"You're the sadistic one."

"-LITTLE SON OF A MONKEY'S UNCLE!"

"My uncle's a monkey?"

* * *

Demyx looked in horror at the black suit in front of him. "I AM NOT wearing a tux. Uh-uh. Not happening."

"It's either this or this." Marluxia held up a pink, frilly dress with a little poof towards the floor.

"I'll take the tux." Demyx grabbed the suit reluctantly out of Marluxia's hand and walked towards his bedroom.

* * *

"Blue is SO not my color. I'd prefer a white, or even cream-color." Larxene said into the phone. "Floor-length, no ribbon, no frills, strapless. Great. I'll be there to pick it up in an hour." She snapped the new phone shut and walked into the ballroom.

* * *

"Axel, STOP MOVING."

"I can't help it, you're really big!"

"I'm not THAT fat."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I MENT!"

"WELL, I CAN'T DO THIS WITH YOU MOVING EVERY TWO SECONDS-"

"Did you two get that ten-foot dolphin carved yet? Larxene'll have a fit if it's not done in an hour."

"WHAH!" Roxas fell off of Axel's shoulders, hitting the ice dolphin and breaking off its nose.

"You okay, there, Roxas?" Axel laughed, grabbing his friend's hand and pulling him to his feet.

"Shut up." Roxas growled, then glared up at the dolphin, then to Xaldin. "You do it, then."

"Nah, I'm having too much fun trying to figure out where Marluxia and Larxene got to." Xaldin replied matter- of- factly. "Well, you guys have fun in here!" He turned and walked out.

"Side-burned know-it-all..." Roxas mumbled, then slipped on a puddle of water. "WHAT THE HELL!"

* * *

"I absolutely RUFUSE to wear the thing." Zexion glared with contempt at the tuxedo held in front of him, a pewter blue thing with a black tie. It was _very_ ugly.

"But it would go so well with your pretty hair!" Larxene encouraged.

"How come he gets the cool-colored one?" Demyx pouted from the doorway.

"Because, genius, it goes with his hair." Larxene stated.

"You want to trade?" Zexion asked desperately, eying the black one Demyx had on.

"Yeah!"

"Great." Zexion grabbed the hideous suit from Larxene and thrust it at Demyx.

"Awesome!" Demyx hurried to his room to change. Zexion sighed. _Crisis solved._

* * *

"The Superior is just going to sit in his cozy little office chair, isn't he?"

"I think so." Xigbar shook his head and glared at a random flower petal lying on the table. "What do you suggest we do?"

Xaldin shrugged. "Spike the punch? I don't know. No one's talking to me as it is."

"_I'm_ talking to you."

"That's not the point."

* * *

"Red? I said white! I don't want to look like some sort of fire-loving freak!"

"Axel, you _are_ a fire-loving freak."

"That's not the point!"

"Didn't you just say-"

"Shut up." Axel stalked from the room, leaving behind a very confused Roxas.

* * *

"This has gotten out of hand. If Larxene thinks she can take over the Organization just by organizing a Charity Ball, she's got another thing coming."

"Indeed." Lexaeus looked over at his silver-haired compatriot. "What do you suggest we do?"

Zexion crossed his arms. "Wait for her to unveil what her plan is."

"Then?"

"... I don't know. Have Demyx do all the dirty work?"

Lexaeus looked thoughtful, then nodded. "Sounds like an idea."


	16. Act Two, Number One: Xemnas

**ACT TWO**

**ONE**

_You've reached the Superior. This is a reminder that cell phones are to be used for Organization XIII matters only and nothing else. After our switch from Cingular to Verizon, I expect better service and less prank calling. Leave a message. _

**You have six new messages.**

"Superior, it's Larxene. Just calling to thank you for allowing me to have this Charity Ball. I'm sure Hades will enjoy the cash." ** Beep.**

"Superior, it is Zexion. I cannot believe that you would possibly find this amusing. Luxord is drunk and dancing on the tables, for crying out loud!" **Beep.**

"This is Bill Gates calling to say you've won a million doll- What? Not Bill Gates? Then who is it? What do you mean, Bill Gates owns Microsoft? Let's prank- call him instead, that'd be much more fun. Or even send him a virus-" **Beep**

"_Hic-_ It's- _hic-_ Luxord. You should come- _hic- _down, the party's hopping. _HIC!_" **Beep.**

"Saïx calling. Just so you know, this is the worst thing you have ever done to this place." **Beep.**

"This is- what the heck is his name again? Donald Trump? Why would Donald Trump give out a million dollars? That's insane! You are such a-" **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Xemnas snapped the cover of the phone shut. This had to stop. There was to be no more prank calls.

None.

And he should probably do something about the annoyingly loud music, too.


	17. Act Two, Number Two: Xigbar

**TWO**

_Xigbar. Leave a message. _

**You have four new messages.**

"It's Marluxia. What kind of phone did you get? I got the new pink Razor phone! It's so small! And it's my color! ... Well, that's it." **Beep.**

"Yo, it's Demyx. Listen, could I get you to ask Xemnas if-" **Beep** **Message deleted.**

"Why did the chicken cross the- what, Ro-? Wrong number? Shit." **Beep.**

"This is Larxene. Can you do me a favor and get Luxord to stop dancing on the table? It is disturbing our guest of honor." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Xaldin slammed the small phone down on the table. Not only did Verizon not get service in his room, forcing him to go downstairs, but more people could get through. Damn the family talk plan. Damn it to hell.


	18. Act Two, Number Three: Xaldin

**THREE**

_Number Three. _

**You have four new messages.**

"Oh my god, did you seriously find Marluxia and Larxene making out in a closet again? They are gonna kick your ass when they find out you told me..."**Beep.**

"I love che- wha? Will you stop interrupting! You're messing with my- wrong number again? This is so _stupid._ I don't care if we get free weekends, I want my old phone back!" **Beep.**

"This is the Superior. I would like to inform you, since the change to Verizon, many people have been confused about the functions of their new phone. Remember to consult your instruction manual regarding any questions regarding your-"**Beep. Message erased.**

"Would you believe me if I told you that, somehow, Sora has shown up, and him and Kairi are both drunk, and they're playing go fish with Luxord, who is also drunk? Man, You've gotta see this!" **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Xaldin put the phone in his pocket, sighing. At least they were talking to him now...

No, wait, they weren't. They just wanted something.

Damn.


	19. Act Two, Number Four: Vexen

**FOUR**

_If your really need to contact me, come down to the basement laboratory. Otherwise, leave a message at the tone._

**You have five new messages.**

"Vexen, I implore you to get up here this instant! And bring a tranquilizer gun and some riddlin, I think we'll need it." **Beep.**

"Um, Vexen? It's Roxas. Demyx just broke the ice sculpture dolphin thingy that Larxene forced Axel and me to make. Can you come and knock both of them out, or something? Later." **Beep.**

"56 bottles of rum on the wall, 56 bottles of rum. Take one down, pass it around, 55 bottles of rum on the wall. 55 bottles of rum on the wall, 55 bottles of rum. Take one down, pass it around, 54 bottles of rum on the wall. 54 bottles of rum on the wall, 54 bottles of-" **Beep.** **Message deleted.**

"Even, it's your mother. You best get your hiney home for dinner or you're grounded, mister!" **Beep.**

"We have a problem- Lexaeus is drunk and dancing on the table with Luxord. It's very disturbing. Do you have that tranquilizer gun yet?" **Beep.**

**End of Messages.**

Vexen growled in frustration. And his mother was making _meat loaf_ tonight. He loved his mothers meatloaf. But no, he had to go chase after immature Organization XIII brats.

They would pay.


	20. Act Two, Number Five: Lexaeus

**FIVE**

_You've reached Lexaeus. Leave a message. _

**You have four new messages.**

"It's rather disturbing to see you dance on the table with Luxord while Kairi, Sora, and Riku are trying to play go fish. Just thought I'd say that." **Beep.**

"Lexaeus, back away from the pole. I said, _back away from the pole_." **Beep.**

"I think Vexen's gone senile. He's attempting to beat Kairi at go fish. Everybody knows Kairi kicks socks when it comes to go fish." **Beep.**

"Okay, now he's hitting her with the ace of spades. OW! I think she got a paper cut. And she doesn't seem happy." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

"... Well, he'd be no fun to prank call anyway." Axel turned Lexaeus's phone off and set it on the table.

"Does he get any interesting messages?" Roxas pulled out his phone and dialed Saïx's number.

"Apparently not."


	21. Act Two, Number Six: Zexion

**SIX**

_Zexion. I know who you are, don't bother trying to call if I don't want to speak to you. _

**You have seven new messages.**

"Make Lexaeus stop. I'm going blind." ** Beep.**

"Losing IQ points!" **Beep.**

"Why did the chicken- yes, _I know _that that was the stupidest thing since Cartoon Network started playing 'My Gym Partner's a Monkey', but will you STOP-" **Beep.****Message deleted.**

"GET THAT POLE AWAY FROM HIM!" ** Beep.**

"Put that sniffer to good use. Find Axel and tell me where he is."**Beep.**

"Zexion, get Vexen. It's an emergency. The dolphin is melting!" **Beep.**

"Would you believe that Vexen just gave me twenty bucks to melt the dolphin? I get to do the stereo next! It's a pyro's dream come true!" **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Zexion threw the phone in a desk drawer, wondering what would happen if the battery died and he moved to a distant location. He was going to have to do that.

Maybe Vexen would give him twenty dollars if he got a book of matches and set Larxene on fire.


	22. Act Two, Number Seven: Saix

**SEVEN**

_Thank you for calling Verizon Wireless. Unfortunately, the number you are calling has been temporarily disconnected. If your name is not Axel or Roxas and you would like to leave a message, speak after the tone. _

**You have ten new messages.**

"You can't fool me, sexy! I know you were trying to throw off the non-existant rabid fangirls! But it didn't work! Nope, it didn't!" ** Beep.**

"Oh, my god, Saïx, you are like, the hottest thing out there, like, I love you, like, MARRY ME!" **Beep.**

"Saïx, we have a slight problem. I think Vexen's gone mad. You might have to go berserk on his ass. He keeps on ranting about his mother's meatloaf, or something." **Beep.**

"Hello, this is Bill Gates calling to say- What? I did it wrong _again_? Crap." **Beep**

"Kairi has just been spotted running off into a closet with Zexion. More on that later." **Beep.**

"Hey, sexy. It's me again. Meet me in the usual- OW! What? Prank calling Saïx is Axel's and Roxas' job? Who CARES? I can have some fun if I- OW!" ** Beep.**

"_Some boys take, a beautiful girl, and hide her away from the rest of the world, _

_I wanna be the one to walk in the sun, _

_and girls, they wanna have fun, oh, girls, they wanna have fun, _

_girls, they, just wanna_-" **Beep.** **Message deleted.**

"Um, Saïx, you're gonna have to go to Las Vegas, Kairi and Zexion were just spotted down there by some rabid fangirls eloping." **Beep**

"It's Larxene. We're having problems with Riku and Roxas. Riku appears to be trying to separate Roxas from Axel. Look into it and end it, will you?" **Beep.**

"_I'm sleeping on your front,_

_Porch again dreaming,_

_She said, she said, she said,_

_Why don't you just drop dead?_

_I don't blame you,_

_For being you,_

_But you can't blame me,_

_For hati-" _**Beep.****Message Deleted.**

**End of Messages.**

Saïx hit the 'End Call' button on his cell phone and glared at it. This was the end. No more. Axel would pay.

But first he had to stop Kairi and Zexion from making the biggest mistake of their lives.


	23. Act Two, Number Eight: Axel

**EIGHT**

_BEHIND YOU!_

**You have seven new messages.**

"Hey, it's me. Gimme a call." **Beep.**

"Yeah, I spiked Zexion's drink. So sue me." **Beep.**

"It's Luxord. Kairi just won _all of my cash_ off of me in a game of _Go Fish_. Can you believe her? I swear, I'll- gotta go. I think Kairi and Zexion are groping each other." **Beep.**

"Hello, Axel? It's your fellow co-star, Sora. Why is your co-worker running off with MY girlfriend? Call me back." ** Beep.**

"No, Sora and Kairi are not dating. Sora's just jealous 'cuse Zexy got there first." **Beep.**

"This is the Superior. Are you the reason that Saïx is once again coming after me about prank calling? And did you melt that dolphin Larxene's going on about?" **Beep.**

"Help. Me. Incinerate Larxene for me, okay? She's going on about how my hair style isn't suitable for this 'Charity Ball'. Later." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

"Incinerate Larxene? Sounds like fun." Axel put his phone in his pocket, summoned his chakram, and made for the other end of the room.


	24. Act Two, Number Nine: Demyx

**NINE**

_Hey, it's Demyx. Leave a message after the beep, unless you really believe Roxas, who says anyone who leaves me a message has low IQ. Rock on. _

**You have ten new messages.**

"Okay, let's get this straight, Mr. I'm-A-Rock-Star. Axel and I do the prank calling around here, not you. But, I was just wondering, did you put that Love Potion Vexen made into Kairi and Zexion's drinks?" **Beep.**

"Demyx, I'm coming over in no less than two minutes and you BETTER have fixed your hair." **Beep.**

"Incinerating Larxene sounds like fun. Gimme two minutes."** Beep.**

"This is the Superior. I'm assuming that _you _gave the order for Axel to set Larxene on fire? It's a good thing that she was standing on a puddle of water." **Beep.**

"I swear, when I come over there-" **Beep**** Message deleted.**

"Hey, guess what? I've figured out the super-secret secret of secrets! Call me back!" **Beep.**

"Hello, this is Sora calling to say that if SOMEONE doesn't do SOMETHING with Kairi holding a BUTCHER KNIFE to my throat, there is going to be a big mess to clean up." **Beep.**

"Ohmigod, do you see Riku? He's stalking Roxas! Someone should tell Axel." **Beep**

"Demyx, can you set some clones on Riku? I think he's following me." **Beep.**

"Zexion says that if anyone gets in between him and Kairi, there's going to be problems. Someone should SERIOUSLY finish this." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

"Wow, I'm popular and have been given missions! I'm actually happy! Wait, can I _be_ happy?" Demyx pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. "Nobodies, due to their lack of hearts, cannot be elated, depressed, angry, or blah blah blah blah blah... why can't things just be simple?" He shoved the paper into his pocket and walked to the other end of the room, where Kairi and Zexion were holding each other, refusing to be pried apart by Sora and Lexaeus.


	25. Act Two, Number Ten: Luxord

**TEN**

_You've reached Luxord. Since the Organization's recent switch to Verizon, I no longer have my previous mailbox setup. Please leave a message after the tone. Axel, I don't want to hear anything about Bill Gates or if my toilet's running or... or... how I'm going to marry Larxene or something!_

**You have nine new messages.**

"Luxord, it's Vexen. I know you're drunk and not in any state to fight, but can you please separate Kairi and Zexion? Demyx spiked their drinks with that love potion I made to get Larxene and Marluxia to fall for each other. And you have five minutes before my baby freezes all of you until the end of dinner." **Beep.**

"Hello, this is China Wong calling to say your order's ready! The total is $2,256.79, charged to your Visa as requested. Please come pick up!" **Beep.**

"NOTHING WILL SEPARATE ME FROM MY LOVE! NOTHING!"** Beep.**

"I think Demyx gave Kairi and Zexion a little too much..."** Beep**

"Axel calling, to tell you that, in approximately thirty seconds, Larxene will be no more. Thank god. I was getting sick of her and Marluxia groping each other." **Beep.**

"This is the Superior. Make sure that Larxene does not come out of that party alive." **Beep.**

"This is China Wong calling to remind you that your order is ready! Please come pick up!"**Beep.**

"Luxord, MAKE RIKU STOP STALKING ME!" **Beep.**

"Oh, I forgot to mention. I charged some Chinese food to your Visa." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

"Vexen has a baby?..." Luxord squinted at the fight between Kairi, Sora, Zexion, and Lexaeus. Surprisingly, Kairi and Zexion were winning. Of course, the fact Lexaeus couldn't see straight probably didn't help any.

"Will you guys stop... stop..." Luxord crumpled to the floor, snoring. Sora ducked a punch from Kairi just in time to see this Kodak moment.

"Sleeping pills... work everytime..." Sora smirked, then returned to trying to prevent Kairi from giving him a permanent injury.


	26. Act Two, Number Eleven: Marluxia

**ELEVEN**

_Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system. __**Marluxia**__ is not available._ _To leave a callback number, press 5 now. At the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording you may hang up, or press one for more options. _

**You have seven new messages.**

"Save your girlfriend while you can." **Beep.**

"Marluxia, why is Riku following me?" **Beep.**

"Marluxia, it's me. Axel is currently throwing gasoline all over my room, and with the gas at 3.20 a gallon, I don't think we can afford to waste it. Gimme a call back." **Beep.**

"Our love for each other will conquer all!" **Beep.**

"This is Vexen. A laser is ready to freeze this entire party for a century if you don't clear everyone out. I'm missing out on my mother's meatloaf for this." **Beep.**

"Hi, it's Roxas again. I just saw Riku walking into the weapons closet... I think that's a bad thing. And did anyone ever mention that you have a couple new scythes in there? They've been specially sharpened to perfection and can decapitate someone in a single swipe. Yeah. Okay, 'bye." **Beep.**

"_This is your worst nightmare. Zexion and Kairi are to be in China by the stroke of- _What? How am I supposed to know? You know something, just SHUTUP! (sound of a throat clearing.) _-Zexion and Kairi are to be in China by the stroke of midnight or a great misfortune will befall your Petunia garden._" **Beep. **

**End of messages.**

Marluxia snapped his phone closed and sighed. This was quite possibly the worst idea Larxene had ever had, and considering her abundance of bad ideas, that was saying something.


	27. Act Two, Number Twelve: Larxene

**TWELVE**

_You've reached me. Leave a message or I'll slit your- I mean, I'll hang you from- I mean I'll- Oh, never mind. _

**You have six new messages.**

"Hey, Larxene, it's me. Vexen has a large freezing ray pointed at me. Yeah. Um, can you help? Please?" **Beep.**

"NICE, Larxene, nice. I hope you lose your phone privileges for a week." **Beep.**

"Wow, did you really just hit zexion in the back of the head with a block of ice? Wow. Um. Yeah. That was cool. We'd better get back to the WTNW, though, because Vegas sucks. I just lost most of my money. I'M A GAMBLER, FOR CHRISTS SAKE!" **Beep.**

"Vexen here. I'm about six seconds away from freezing your precious _Charity Ball_ and your boyfriend with it! MUHAHAHAHA!!!1!!!!1111!!!!" **Beep.**

"Roxas. Axel and I have Kairi. He's set Lexaeus' room on fire, too. And Riku is still following me." _**Beep.**_

"It's the Superior. _**FIX THIS**_." **Beep.**

**End of messages.**

Larxene slid her phone shut. "Fu-"

_**BEEEEP.**_


	28. Act Two, Number Thireteen: Roxas

**THIRTEEN**

_It's the one, the only- ROXAS! Leave it. _

**You have six new messages.**

"Hey, it's your spiky red-head friend. Riku has been spotted going into the weapons closet. Run." **Beep.**

"Larxene got Zexion and Kairi. Axel's still trying to incinerate Larxene. Oh, and this is Demyx, by the way. Hey, listen, I was wondering if-" **Beep**__**Message deleted.**

"This is Vexen. Will you please inform the Superior that I will be unable to attend the next meeting, because- MOM! I'm on the phone! I know I'm grounded! But mommy, I need to-" **Beep.**

"This is Riku calling. I've been trying to catch you all night, but it's like you were voiding me! Listen, I found this really cool store downtown, and I think you should check it out. They have AWESOME merchandise, and a really cool plushie of me! Well, see you later!" **Beep.**

"It's Axel again. Apparently, Riku was going into the closet to pick up hi weapon, because, apparently, Larxene confiscated them all at the door. Well, later." **Beep.**

"This is Larxene. The Ball's over. The Superior confiscated all my earnings. Go home." **Beep.**

**End of Messages.**

Roxas closed his eyes and sighed. Finally, it was over. He could go to bed, sleep, think about-

Wait, they had a store with merchedise of them?

He jumped up, opened a portal, and went to Market Street.


	29. Curtain Call

**EPILOGUE**

And just as soon as it began, it was over.

Sora and Riku went back to Destiny Islands with a hangover and plushie of themselves each.

Kairi filed for divorce from Zexion faster than Britney Spears divorced Jason Alexander. She was last seen in a happy relationship with Sora.

Xemnas, who hadn't really been into the whole ball thing anyway, continued plotting to take Kingdom Hearts, determined he would one day be whole without the thirteen idiots following him, thank you very much.

Xigbar, who skipped out of the ball before the madness had started, continued with his daily life, unharmed by that night's events.

Xaldin, who was ignored the entire time, went to a counselor and was immediately put on anti-depressants, with advice to "find a new job".

Vexen, who had his freezing ray blown up by Axel when he sent a particularly nasty blast of fire at Larxene, was ungrounded by his mom and told to "suggest a new color robe for his club, such as a nice maroon?"

Lexaeus suffered from frostbite after being thrown into an ice block and being stuck there by Sora. At last check, he as still laying on a hotpack, swearing revenge on "that kid and his stupid key, too."

Zexion remained emotionally scarred for a good two months, refusing to talk to anyone and living in his room.

Saῑx went back to being his grumpy self.

Axel continued to hunt Larxene and try to incinerate her. He is now attempting to be nice to her, due to being caught in a compromising position with Roxas. He was last seen cleaning Larxene's bathroom and buying her tampons.

Demyx was continued to be hated by most members of the Organization, and was last sent on a mission to the other side of the World. He hasn't been seen since.

Luxord continued gambling, and was last seen at a local casino, applying for a dealer job.

Marluxia wasn't seen for days after the incident. Larxene, in a scary show of compassion, found him in his Petunia garden, weeping over the dead flowers.

Larxene was put under house arrest, forbidden from organizing any fund raisers, and was last seen convincing Hades that "She would much rather work for him, and knew plenty of excellent torture techniques involving knives".

As for Roxas, he sat back and laughed his ass off about the entire thing.

**The End**

**

* * *

****That's it- I finally finished it! I would like to thank Disney and Square for not suing me in the writing of this fic, my laptop for not crashing on me, AOL for providing my ISP, FFN for letting me post it, and the fans who stuck through this story even though it took forever to finish. It's thanks to you guys I can write this! Please review and let me know what you thought- as far as I know, no one has ever written a fic like this.**

**Love,**

**RCK**


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